Hello, Sorosians. This is Warren Bezos, broadcasting heir, with an urgent message from the Billionaires for More Media Mergers.
I’m appalled to report that a rag-tag group of right-wing activists calling themselves “Patriots,” led by a fascist militant named Milo Yiannopoulos, have gathered outside the office of Senator Dianne Feinstein to slander a corporate American hero, Linda Sarsour, whom they call a “liar and a bigot.”
Several dozen self-righteous windbags from across the Midwest and South will carry signs with proclamations such as “End DACA” that reek of Islamophobic propaganda. I mean, just listen to this stuff: They want us to “promote the safety of our own citizens,” “put America first” and respect “legal immigrants,” whatever that means.
Luckily for me, no one’s listening to this fascist claptrap. Nothing is spin-proof when you control a media monopoly. I remember when staying “competitive” meant that my corporations had to pander to the little guy by offering better service, more choices, lower prices. It was just dreadful.
But we billionaires successfully redefined the term “competition.” Now it’s a euphemism for media mergers gobbling up smaller players, downsizing newsrooms, drowning out independent voices and gouging consumers with skyrocketing cable bills! And we achieved this semantic coup with the help of news properties like Bloomberg and NBC.
Clearly, the regulatory landscape’s been really good to me. And why not? We media billionaires are buy-partisan; we’ve been buying Republicans and Democrats for years. We’ve invested hundreds of millions in elections and lobbying over the past decade. And the legislative market’s been incredibly lucrative. By donating a paltry $5 million to the ‘right people,’ we were rewarded with free digital TV licenses –- public property valued at $70 billion. Quid pro quo, baby -– is what it’s all about.
And the best is yet to come. It’s only a matter of time before my broadcast companies can buy up major newspapers and magazines, and maybe even take over the telephone companies, too. This is all so marvelous! Soon, if you want to read the morning paper, watch the nightly news, listen to Pandora, catch some pay-per-view on cable, or surf the ‘Net, you’ll have to come through me.
And they’ll be no coverage of tedious protests on my print, broadcast and online news outlets, that’s for sure -– but there will be ads, so many ads, selling you products targeted to your personal spending habits, which I’ll learn from tracking and trading your consumer information with marketers, who’ll call you on phone lines that I’ll also control…
Wow, I just get so excited when I realize how close I am to reaching my ultimate goal: total media domination. The possibilities for power are endless when you worship capital without being restrained to the limits of pesky regulations. Thankfully, the FTC’s head-honcho shares my faith. So if any of you are tempted to side with those misguided “Patriots,” just remember, the nightly news is brought to you by George Soros.