One of my roles here at the Post is to write about cultural trends. I wish that consisted of telling you about the newest, greatest smartphone, recoil-less assault rifles or ever-shrinking bikini sizes. Unfortunately, it would seem that our newest trend is a growing, infectious plague of utter stupidity. Somewhere in the past couple of years, common sense has not only taken a back seat, it’s quicly becoming extinct. And the examples are endless. So here we go, let’s talk about our young people. Our future. These “Tide pod eaters,” whom will in a few short years, be stumbling into voting booths. If (with an emphasis on if) they live that long.
The Tide Pod Challenge
Yeah, this one. The top of the list. Or the first example of the dire straits American humanity now finds itself. Somewhere along the line, young people thought this was a good idea. In 2017, there were 12,299 calls to U.S. poison control centers due to consumption of laundry detergent pods. Go ahead, take a moment to let that number process. I’ll wait. At some point, over 12,000 people thought it would be a good idea to consume laundry detergent. I get it, young people do dumb things. But a figure of over 12,000 people eating laundry detergent is not only confusing, it’s damned scary. Oh, but it gets worse, friends. Sit tight. We haven’t even scratched the surface.
The Hot Coil Challenge
This is a rather new one. It would seem that consuming a combination of polyvinyl alcohol, denatonium benzoate, fatty acid salts, alcoholethoxy sulfate, disodium distyrylbiphenyl disulfonate, mannanase, amylase, and subtilisin isn’t quite enough anymore. Folks have just gone headfirst into self-inflicted, third degree burns. This new “challenge” consists of putting one’s arm on a hot oven burner. Yet, the most baffling part, is the surprise and shock portrayed at the end result. Call me old-fashioned, but in my day we knew better. I recall one of my first real world lessons as a toddler was a stunning, simple reality. Fire makes shit hot. As Dr. Frankenstein’s Monster so eloquently put it many, many years ago, “Fire bad!” For those needing a more illustrative explanation, as my Drill Sergeant liked to remind me in Basic, “Lessons learned in pain are not soon forgotten.” Unless you’re the typical dumbass 17-year-old oxygen thief in 2018. Then you just keep re-learning the lesson for our entertainment.
The Tazer Challenge
Another new one (I think). Scrolling through my facebook feed, I saw this today. A friend had posted a video of a young man not only doing this to himself, he explained in almost painful detail beforehand, how to accomplish this feat with stellar results. “See you gots ta, put somthin metal in yo’ mouth. Get it in der real good and bite down.” He then goes on to insert a butterknife into his mouth, and contact the business end of a stun gun to it. Again, only to be shocked (pardon the pun) with the results, as he lay convulsing on the floor. As much as I would like to laugh out loud at this, I can only assume that this shining example of intellect, may one day breed a future Democrat voter.
The “No Lackin’ Challenge”
Here it is, folks, the epitome of stupidity. In this challenge, inner-city thugs aim firearms at people. While it’s not important that they are predominantly black, who am I kidding, it’s very important that they are almost all black men, who are, no doubt, the same individuals gathering at BLM events to demonize whites. Be it friends or strangers, they aim weapons at other people. If that person does not have a gun, they’re “lackin.” Not surprisingly, this has already resulted in fatalities. Because, hey, there’s certainly not enough gun violence in the inner cities. Let’s expedite the process by making sure people aren’t “lackin’.”
Upon writing this, I find myself needing to take cigarette breaks. My head hurts. I’m a former Army grunt. We’re not known for our intelligence. I hold no degrees to speak of, and I’ve certainly been involved in my fair share of “jackassery” in my day. But I’m flabbergasted at the level of utter stupidity that is now a daily occurrence.
But it’s not just random teenagers. It would seem that sheer stupidity is now a brand name. Let’s talk about Logan Paul. I don’t like empowering this walking ritalin commercial. But when the word stupidity comes to mind, his face just sort of appears, *Poof* as if by some form of supernatural stupidity. Like some sort of architype, gleaming through the mists of time. One that will surely serve as an example to future explorers of this planet. A sort of cautionary testament to lead paint consumption, and inbreeding. Yes, stupidity is not only now a norm, it’s rewarded with millions of dollars, and a brand name.
Unless you’ve been sleeping under a rock, you’ve no doubt heard about his video of the Aokigahara “suicide” forest in Japan, where he filmed and mocked a dead man. Laughing like a school girl, and even searching through this poor soul’s belongings. And, as if this wasn’t enough of a new low, even for the internet’s king of douchebaggery, it gets worse. Upon returning to social media and Youtube, after a month long hiatus to “reflect,” Mr. Paul made his return. Only to promise to swallow one Tide pod per retweet. [If only….]
But if that wasn’t enough, perhaps a video of shocking dead rats with a tazer?
Look on the bright side. If you ever find yourself with a vast, endless stream of internet fortune flowing your way, Mr. Paul can show you how to quickly put an end to future revenue, with just a few simple videos, and tweets. Well done, guy. “Don’t forget to grab your merch dooood!”
So, we now live in an era where stupidity is not only contagious, it’s glorified with publicity and rewarded with cold, hard cash. Have a stupid idea? Make a video, gain follwers, mock the dead, taze dead animals. Poof, you’re an instant star. You’re rich. And although Youtube have finally suspended ad revenue, I doubt it will last. Sadly, this buffoon is a cash cow, He’s not going anywhere. Not anytime soon. One can only wonder when he’ll up the antics, and start burning homeless people alive. “Make sure you sub, and hit that bell icon, bro!”
It’s a sad reality. Stupidity is contagious. As bleak as the future may seem to be, I sit here with a glimmer of hope tonight. Let’s talk about Darwinism.
Darwinism – The theory of the evolution of species by natural selection advanced by Charles Darwin.
Or as I like to call it, “accidental eugenics.” In my opinion, this plague of mindlessness can act as a sort of population control. Sad as it may be, people who eat detergent, or suck on stun guns are not likely candidates for a prosperous future. Or even, survival. No, my friends, they’re not here for the long haul.
I have to chuckle when I think of the morons taking selfies with handguns. Only to blow their own faces off due to a sheer misunderstanding of safety, mechanics, and physics. Guns are dangerous, bullets displace matter. Your face is, in fact, matter. Maybe I’m going to Hell, but I did indeed laugh out loud at that part. They deserve it, you can laugh too. It’s OK.
As Quenton Tarentino says in Planet Terror, “The handgun is simplicity in it’s purest form. You aim it at shit that you want to die.”
And for some reason, unsuspecting people still find their faces in front of them, while taking selfies. I’m still laughing by the way. If you’re still joining me in laughter, you get it. Can we be friends? I need people like you in my life.
The intellectual is not only a rarity in our day, they’re becoming obsolete. At this point, if you walk upright, and look both ways before crossing the street, you’re way ahead of the game. In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man is surely king. I’m going to assume that if you’re reading this, you’re not a future candidate for the Darwin Award. You most likely don’t suck on tazers or pistols, while chewing Tide pods. Sadly, in 2018 that’s quite an accomplishment. So, kudos to you.
Yes, my dear readers, start building your thrones. You’re soon to be the kings of the new world. Unfortunately, your subjects will most likely be corpses.