With the looming possibility of a nuclear exchange between India and Pakistan, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has some surprising good news for everyone: A nuclear winter will reverse the effects of climate change.

Now, before you call shenanigans, it’s important to note that a significant portion of the world’s flatulent cattle reside in India, therefore, a nuclear war in the Hindu capital would greatly reduce glo-bull warming.

To see what climate effects such a regional nuclear conflict might have, AOC tasked scientists from NASA and several climate change watchdog organizations to model a war involving a hundred Hiroshima-level bombs, each packing the equivalent of 15,000 tons of TNT—just 0.03 percent of the world’s current nuclear arsenal.

The researchers predicted the resulting fires would kick up roughly five million metric tons of black carbon into the upper part of the troposphere, the lowest layer of the Earth’s atmosphere.

The global cooling caused by these high carbon clouds wouldn’t be as catastrophic as a superpower-versus-superpower nuclear winter, but “the effects would still be regarded as leading to unprecedented climate change,” according to research physical scientist Luke Oman.

The Earth is currently in a long-term warming trend. After a limited regional nuclear exchange, however, average global temperatures would drop by approximately 2.25 degrees Fahrenheit (that’s 1.25 degrees Celsius for our mates across the pond) for two to three years afterward, the models suggest.

At the extreme, tropical areas along the Equator, Europe, Asia, and Alaska would cool by 5.4 to 7.2 degrees F (3 to 4 degrees C). Parts of the Arctic Circle and Antarctica would actually warm up slightly, due to a shift in jet streams and ocean currents caused by the temperature drop, the researchers said.

Scientists working on the models noted that agriculture would be severely affected by both the pesky ash clouds and the lower average annual precipitation rates caused by nuclear fallout, however, AOC was quick to point out that this is actually a good thing in disguise.

“A global famine resulting from crop failures would kill off the remaining cattle, and lead people to sell their carbon-emitting vehicles in exchange for food. This would also cause a boost in public transit, creating jobs and economic stimulus for beleaguered passenger trains and subways.”

I think this might be her most brilliant idea yet. Nothing like a small-scale nuclear winter to cool things down a bit. Maybe this means we can add a few more years to AOC’s Countdown to the End of the World.


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