Twitter is absolutely infested with sock accounts, follow4follow spammers, pornbots and fraudsters. The Blue Check Marx are manipulating meaningless follower numbers into undeserved real world currency and authority. That’s what I was talking about on the day I got banned from Twitter; this was back before you, your mom, and your grandma all created accounts so that three generations of you could simultaneously tweet at @Comcast support and follow @Oprah.
It was a shit day that completely eviscerated my technotarian view of the internet. Fraudsters weren’t ruining the internet, the internet was dependent on the fraudsters. The network hated me as much as the scammers did.
I had been covering the connections between various members of the LDS church, the Clinton Foundation, Heather Podesta’s lobbying firm (Heather Podesta + Partners) and a plethora of Multi-Level Marketing scams, including the now famous shitheap known as Herbalife. If you’ve watched Netflix in the last few years, you’ve probably seen the documentary on Herbalife, “Betting on Zero,” covering the company’s trial after being charged by the FTC. Podesta’s lobbyists put in a lot of overtime actually trying to prevent the film from being screened in Washington, D.C.
I also penned dozens of articles about Frank Kern’s (another friend of the Clintons) sprawling empire of internet suck, and I spectacularly exposed the unambiguous conspiracy at the heart of his people grinding machine. I eventually poked and prodded Kern into a negotiated settlement that had him deleting his fakeass Twitter account and fading silently from the front of his own operation…but it was all a farce that changed nothing. As soon as I left the scene of the crime, everything reset as if I was never there, and the next scam was being spammed at thousands of unsuspecting users.
It had been an online eternity since I’d walked away from the exploding aftermath of Kern’s digital dumpster fire without looking back. Badasses never look back at explosions #Facts. But last month, my marketing agency received an email from Pen Isles & Sons, a Search Engine Optimization agency. I don’t think they appreciated it when I rearranged the spaces in their company’s name to “Penis Lessons.”
“Subject: Frank Kern Reputation Management Help”
Cool. Sure, I’d love to help. Should I read this email first, or just head straight out there and start helping motherfuckers? That doesn’t sound like me at all. No, I’m more of a “get off your ass and help yourself” kind of guy.
We’re working with Frank Kern on some online reputation management. If you Google Frank’s name, you’ll see that someone has written a terrible, untruthful article, that we are trying to push down onto the 2nd page of Google.”
They’re trying to suppress a very truthful article by Rick Porter.
In spite of our interlocked destinies — and my dozen definitive articles on the subject —Google doesn’t return a result for “Frank Kern” featuring one of my articles until page three. That article’s headline is characteristic of my usual writing approach: subtle, respectful, and always professional (see if you can spot the hidden meaning).
That’s some classic post-Renaissance abstractionist humorist writing right there. Maybe Pen Isles & Sons can help me get it ranking better?
There’s an entire industry of digital marketers who get paid very handsomely to bury negative articles about shitty people under a mountain of false, paid-for “journalism” and a thin veneer of positive reviews from non-existent customers. The internet presents you with a fake picture of the present, while eliminating or suppressing critical presentations of the past. It’s not just fake news; it’s a fake reality, a fake history, and it’s facilitating a whole shitload of fakery, fraud and fuckery.
Scammers don’t need to change laws in their favor, because they completely ignore the laws. What they need to breed is reliable, long-term inaction, and there’s almost nothing easier than getting nothing done in Washington. But it doesn’t necessarily have to be a totally terrible thing. Federal action, the panacea of civil activism, is clunky at best, blatantly counterproductive on average, and savagely corrupt at its worst.
I’ve written of the dangers of apathy and inaction for years, and used my skillset as a digital marketer to make sure my writing doesn’t get buried on page 4 of Google’s search results, under no less than 5 ads for work-from-home scams and boner pills. And I’ve done quite well for myself, but you can’t be a business professional and a snarky journalist at the same time…you just can’t. Charming jackasses telling hardass jokes for justice just doesn’t fit well with what is expected of a white collar executive.
I might have no choice but to hire Podesta’s lobbying firm to get me elected president and make the internet great again #MIGA.