Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has finally released her over-hyped “Green New Deal” proposal. The plan — if you can call it that — is to totally rebuild the entire country, while eliminating all carbon emissions. And she does mean ALL carbon emissions.

1. “Upgrade or replace every building in US for state-of-the-art energy efficiency.”

Yes, every single building. There are over 5 million commercial buildings in the U.S. Add that to the approximately 127 million households, which is to say nothing of all the government buildings, churches and municipal buildings. This project would cost trillions of dollars and take decades, at a minimum, to complete. Cortez even admits that if all the corporations and billionaires in America contributed as much as they could, it “wouldn’t be sufficient.” Hold on, she’s just getting warmed up, it gets better.

2. “Totally overhaul transportation by massively expanding electric vehicle manufacturing, build charging stations everywhere, build out high- speed rail at a scale where air travel stops becoming necessary, create affordable public transit available to all, with goal to replace every combustion-engine vehicle.”

In order to make air travel “unnecessary,” this mythical railway system would have to be primarily built across the ocean. There is about five thousand miles separating California from Japan, most of which crosses areas of volcanic activity, shifting tectonic plates, massive waves and frequent earthquakes. No big deal, it would only be the largest architectural undertaking in human history. Maybe we can build an elevator to the International Space Station next, to eliminate space travel as well.

Who needs shuttles? Space is just the top floor of the AOC elevator

3. “A job with a family-sustaining wage, family and medical leave, vacations, and retirement security for every American.”

According to the census bureau, as of 2017, there were roughly 325 million people in this country, not counting illegal aliens, whom, I assume, AOC would include in this measure. Before getting into the petty semantics of where all these jobs will come from, what if people don’t want to work? Cortez does actually have an answer to that last question. Her plan states that “economic security” will be provided to all those “unable or unwilling to work.” Given her vagueness, we are left to interpret that statement as meaning they will be provided an entitlement program akin to welfare. Who will do all the work? She doesn’t have an answer for that, so I will jump out on a limb here and provide one for her: automation. That’s right, we’ll automate everything. This is great news, we can all quit our jobs now and let the robots do the work. 

4. “Plant lots of trees.” (Location TBD)

That is an actual sentence in the document. It is at least practical, unlike the other items listed. There’s no indication of where or how many, so this must be one of those never-ending projects we can have the robots do for us as well. 

 5. Abolish cows.

Actually “farting cows,” specifically. Yes, the phrase “farting cows” appears, verbatim, in this very serious proposal written by a United States congresswoman. Here is the full statement, to add context: “We set a goal to get to net-zero, rather than zero emissions, in 10 years because we aren’t sure that we’ll be able to fully get rid of farting cows and airplanes that fast.”

Guess we’re going vegan. If we’re all going to be homeless while our homes are being rebuilt, we might as well become vegan hippies while we’re at it, and fully immerse ourselves in this Brave Green Dream. 

Parodies and headlines are impossible to tell apart these days, my best satire articles can’t compete with non-fiction in the great comedy that is postmodernism. I almost feel guilty making fun of AOC, because she’s like a fucking child. 

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