A self-proclaimed writer for Saturday Night Live has taken a break from composing word salad for Alec Baldwin to offer oral sex to anyone who punches Covington Catholic student Nicholas Sandmann in the face.

“I will blow whoever manages to punch that MAGA kid in the face,” tweeted Sarah Beattie. Perhaps Sandmann needs to get all of his friends together, videotape each of them lightly punching him in the face and end it with “time to pay up, bitch.”

Here’s the real kicker, Beattie isn’t a writer for SNL. After messages started pouring in calling for her termination, a spokesperson for SNL stated that she has never been employed by them. Due to her claims of working for them when she doesn’t, the show will now “clear up this confusion by scrolling a list of the writers’ names at the end of every show.”

Beattie quickly deleted the tweet after backlash from users revealed she was full of shit, but not before posting another tweet that states, “oh yes the kid who was marching against women’s reproductive rights while wearing a hat promoting an evil homophobic racist misogynistic sociopath was TOTALLY misrepresented.” 

Apparently both her nipples voted

Her Instagram page, unironically labeled “tits and depression,” features numerous pictures of her tits, which unlike her mental state, look rather perky. A longtime friend of Beattie’s, who spoke on condition of anonymity, has stated she believes her motive for posting the tweet calling for violence against Sandmann is a publicity stunt to drive traffic to her InstaThot account, which as of this writing, boasts a following of over 81,000 soyboys. Local Thot Police Officers are actively investigating the incident and are expected to make an arrest in the coming weeks. 

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