If you are a fat, unemployed, lazy piece of shit, relax, because according to BuzzFeed, all those bad habits and poor health choices are proof you are intellectually superior to everyone else, and totally not suffering from #ToxicMillenialism. Do you absolutely have to “wake and bake” to avoid crippling anxiety and depression first thing in the morning? Are you physically incapable of talking on the phone instead of texting? Do you feel, “like, 104% tired” all the time? Fear not, pathetic cretin, for these are also signs you are a fucking genius.
BuzzFeed’s editorial department has assured us these “BuzzFeed Survey Science Says” articles are 100% based on legitimate, thorough case studies conducted on millions of unpaid, unwitting volunteers, and definitely not just clickbait that appeals to the average Starbucks barista with a bachelors degree in gender studies. Since they could not provide us with documentation of any kind whatsoever, we will just have to take them at their word, since they have such a sterling reputation as a credible news outlet.
Meanwhile, we’re all cracking open a bottle of fine Scotch here at The Sentinel, as hundreds of devastated BuzzFeed journalists take to Twitter to voice that they’re shocked, just shocked and appalled at the news they’re being let go as the outlet lays off 15% of their staff. BuzzFeed CEO Jonah Peretti said the “restructuring” will reduce costs and “improve our operating model so we can thrive and control our own destiny, without ever needing to raise funding again.” So, basically, they’ll be redistributing jobs and wages for the greater good of the labor force, in order to avoid having to beg for money from petít bourgeois Capitalist pigs again. It’s almost as if Fake News doesn’t pay.
Last year, Peretti floated the idea of merging with VICE, Vox and other outlets to “gain better leverage over Facebook and Google” and strike better advertising deals. “If BuzzFeed and five of the other biggest companies were combined into a bigger digital media company, you would probably be able to get paid more money,” Peretti told The New York Times in an interview last November, shortly after BuzzFeed laid off 100 employees in the face of falling advertising revenue. Yes, the answer to losing money is always to create a monopoly and attempt to blackmail your advertisers into increasing your compensation.
The beauty of BuzzFeed’s recent layoffs and the decline in their readership is that it is yet another indicator of the many ways free enterprise is a self-regulating apparatus. When Cultural Marxism meets market forces, the world gets a little bit brighter.