First things first, I’m not trying to excuse my behavior. This is also not an apology. During my various immoral exploits, I’ve learned a valuable lesson on how to write very effective clickbait bullshit.

You scroll through your feed past dozens of posts featuring your friends’ annoying children, maybe you come across a dog whose best friend is a duck and think “that’s cute” and continue scrolling. You notice an article about how Donald Trump wants to legalize fucking pandas to death, you immediately share it and practically fling the keys from the board furiously typing your opinions in the comments section as if they mattered to anyone besides you and Bob, the 40 year old bald man arguing with you from his stepmom’s basement. You have essay length arguments with people opposing panda sex murder, some of whom are animal rights activists, and all of whom are pussies. You engage with it in every possible way. I shoot heroin and may or may not support panda sex murder. Discuss.

What does any of this have to do with clickbait? It IS clickbait, dipshit.

Your Headline Should Be Controversial And Deliberately Annoying 

It’s not enough to do a bunch of provocative bullshit and then write meandering drivel about it. You’ve got to ask yourself “How do I frame this in the most asinine way possible?”

You Don’t Actually Need To Have A Point, Fuck It

Am I pro or anti marriage? Is America facing an opioid epidemic? Did I ever leave that cult I was in? None of that matters. The point is, you are here and somehow that is worth money.

Drugs Are Fun And Murdering Pandas Is Fun 

That’s just true.

You Can Lie

I once wrote an entire article about joining a cult while banging heroin into my veins and advocating panda sex murder. Total bullshit. Seriously, these things don’t have to be about anything, you should get in on it.


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